Supermarkets (again)!

Now it's some considerable time since my rant regarding people chatting and blocking the aisles in supermarkets. A visit to my local Tescos this week has shown me that I have only addressed one small part of the problem and that when I rule the world (must happen soon), I am going to have to make some sweeping changes, as follows...

Firstly, why is it as Christmas approaches and the supermarkets get busier, the management thinks it a great idea to make all the aisles SMALLER? They do this by drafting in pallet loads of Quality Street, Christmas crap, Coca-Cola, beer, you name it! With amazing attention to detail, these are cunningly positioned to make every single aisle narrower than usual, thus ensuring more traffic jams and even more irate customers than usual.

What's the thinking behind this? It happens every December, months after any sane person has finished their Christmas shopping. Now, stack the aisles full of perishables, like sprouts and that I could understand, though wait a mo, make that spuds as sprouts for Christmas Day, should already have been simmering on a gentle heat since November 25th. When I rule the world, supermarket managers who put extra crap in the aisles will be forced to eat every pallet load personally.

And as if these obstructions are not enough, Tescos has slowly, without people being aware, introduced yet another hazard - staff, shopping for online purchasers. Now these guys & gals have trolleys twice the size of normal people's and know how to use them to best advantage, that is all using the same aisles at the same time and ensuring their trolleys are sideways on for maximum inconvenience to everybody else. And do they get out of the way? Do they hell? 'We're staff! You normal plebs can wait until we're finished!' This Wednesday, there were 6 of these people, all with their massive trolleys, IN ONE AISLE! I tried to count how many there were in the shop and lost count at 20.

Now given that they do have a job to do (debatable in some respects), why don't they get the job done and get out of the way before 6am? Or better still, take what they need from warehouse stock and stay out of the shop altogether? When I rule the world, the supermarkets will have to give you a 5% discount for every one of these people getting in your way. So if there are 20 of them, you get everything for free!

Also, let's introduce a one-way system as per town centre traffic controls. All aisles can only be negotiated one way. Roundabouts & traffic lights at major junctions. Waiting limitations to stop those women ( and it's always women), who stand in front of a display for AGES trying to make up their mind which brand of baked beans to purchase. 20 seconds maximum stop, that's all you need. 

It has to be said, that the customers themselves, usually female ones, that are the biggest cause of supermarket migraines so here are my top tips for improving things, to be introduced, naturally, when I rule the world...

1. If your brats are sick and can't go to school, then they can't go to the supermarket either. Do your shopping another day or have them shot (preferably the latter)

2. Use a basket unless you really need a trolley. To control this, minimum spend for a trolley will be £50

3. You don't need an army of friends to go shopping. To control this, 2 people together, minimum spend £100. 3 people together, minimum spend £200. 4, £300 - and so on

4. Maximum stay time in the supermarket is 20 minutes for a basket, 30 minutes for a trolley. You don't need more, ask any man. Actually, this can be enforced by making the car park free for 40 minutes, £5 per 20 minutes thereafter

5. Checkouts. Now sane people (men) use the self-scan-as-you-go facilities but I accept these are not always available so to speed up the checkouts, if you haven't got everything packed into your bags and trolley by the time the sales lady says 'That'll be £xyz please...', you lose everything still on the conveyor belt and those goods are all given to charity. If you don't have your credit card to hand within 5 seconds, then you still have to pay for all your shopping but it ALL goes to charity. And don't blame the brat(s), you shouldn't have brought them

6. And the supermarkets too have something to contribute here. There should NEVER be a queue at a checkout. If you have to queue, your shopping is free!

So that's it methinks, much needed improvements to the shopping experience. When I rule the world, things are going to change. Oh yes!

David's retirement party

Last Friday, mummy took me to my big retirement party. Uncle Boss Chris said he would pick us up at 7:40pm and sure nuff, there he was with a big shiny minibus along with Auntie Boss Sarah and Apprentice Boss Kate.

The minibus had some cool features like doors that didn't open and inside lights that didn't work and was driven by a very nice lady who wasn't wearing a crash helmet but maybe should have 'cos she was a bit loony when she drove us to the town.

On the way we picked up New Boss Hairy Faced Simon and then we all went to the town and a big shiny restaurant called Youmethai. Waiting outside was New Boss Elvie the Fish and we all said hello and went inside.

We had a very nice table which was round like King Arthur's and there were balloons and glittery bits and cards and presents and it was very very exciting. Uncle Boss Chris who is a VERY VERY NICE MAN, had even organised something called CHAMPAGNE which we all drank. And then we drank some more champagne and then we also drank some wine and some gin and some Bacardi and some more wine and some more gin and some more Bacardi and some more wine and some more gin and some more Bacardi and some more wine. And then some more wine. And some wine.

We also had lots and lots of very yummy food. Some of this food wasn't quite fully dead 'cos it managed to jump off my fork and onto my shirt. This all took a LONG TIME 'cos all of a sudden we were the only people left in the restaurant except the VERY NICE PEOPLE who worked there - and some of them had gone home. The others hadn't 'cos they were having a nice time looking at their watches. Anyway, Uncle Boss Chris gave them some money and New Boss Elvie the Fish had to go home because she had to go to work the next day and she was much more sensible than the rest of us anyway.

We then had a good idea and decided to do SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT which was to go and have a drink. So we walked around the corner to a bar called the Owl and the Pussycat. I thought we wouldn't get in as there was a big bouncer on the door and we were a bit wobbly (except Auntie Boss Sarah, who never gets wobbly at all). But it didn't matter 'cos New Boss Hairy Faced Simon knew him. Actually New Boss Hairy Faced Simon knows everybody from the days when he was young and used to be allowed out sometimes.

Anyway, we all sat around a table and some VERY NICE PEOPLE brought us some drinks. We drank some wine and some Bacardi and some more wine and some more Bacardi and some more wine and some more Bacardi and some more wine. But we didn't drink any gin 'cos New Boss Elvie the Fish wasn't there. And I drank some cider 'cos I was getting a bit wobbly on all the wine and was also a bit thirsty after all the yummy food. 

Quite a lot of the wine was drunk by Uncle Boss Chris who was also a bit wobbly and his eyes and face had gone a bit funny. Uncle Boss Chris also had a problem 'cos his wallet and shoes had fallen off as well.

Anyway after a VERY LONG TIME and when New Boss Hairy Faced Simon's wallet was empty, we went to get taxis home.

Some of us walked in a sort of straight line to the taxis and some of us went by a more wobbly, sightseeing route. And then we got into taxis but I can't remember how many or who got into which 'cos someone was making Hastings wobble quite badly.

And then I woke up.

The end.

David’s big bus and shopping adventure

David’s Big Bus & Shopping Adventure 

Today, mummy took me for a ride on the bus to the shops. Mummy said we had to leave at 10 o’clock because the bus came at 6 minutes past. Actually, it didn’t. It came at 8 minutes past but this was OK. 

We got on the bus and paid with our bus passes and then sat down in some seats designed for children. They were obviously for children as they were so narrow and had so little leg room. The bus had lots of large fat wobbly smelly people on it but this was OK because we were off to Hastings and the shops. 

But that’s not where it went. It went all over St Leonards and Hastings, stopping every 10 seconds to pick up even more large fat wobbly smelly people. This was OK though, because after a VERY LONG TIME we got to Hastings. 

Mummy said we would go to the bank first to pay in some money. I had a nice comfy seat whilst mummy joined a big queue of large fat smelly wobbly people. I asked mummy why she didn’t pay in using a thing called ‘Quick Deposit’ ‘cos it said on the envelope we could. Mummy said though that it didn’t work, even though we were in NatWest which is exactly the same bank as RBS. So mummy and I waited a VERY LONG TIME and eventually paid in her money. 

Next, we went to a big shop called Argos, which had LOADS of large fat smelly wobbly people, some of them on wheels. Mummy was clever though ‘cos she bypassed the queue and went straight to a computer terminal which told her the things she wanted were in stock. Instead of paying for her things right there with her credit card, like I would have at home, mummy then went and joined the queue with LOADS of large fat smelly wobbly people some of them on wheels and waited a VERY LONG TIME to get to the nice lady at the counter. 

The nice lady at the counter also had a computer terminal but unfortunately, hers had a different price to the prices in the catalogue. So mummy and the nice lady had to go through LOTS of pages in the catalogue and eventually showed the very nice lady that her computer terminal was wrong. Mummy then paid but then had to join another queue and wait a VERY LONG TIME for her stuff. This was strange, ‘cos we could see her stuff on the shelf behind another very nice lady but this very nice lady was filling up carrier bags and this was obviously more important. I didn’t tell mummy but I thought that the very nice ladies might have been, as daddy says sometimes, ‘pissed off’ because mummy had proved their computer to be wrong. 

Next we went to a shop called the Card Shop. I didn’t go in this one myself as there were so many large fat smelly wobbly people in there, I didn’t think I’d fit. Mummy went in, found some cards and then waited for a VERY LONG TIME in a queue of LOADS of large fat smelly wobbly people ‘cos there were only two tills and two people serving and they didn’t give a stuff how long it took! 

Next we went to a shop called Thimbilina’s or something like that. Mummy bought a zip. There was no queue. Boring. 

Next we went to get our bus home. It left just before we got to the bus stop but mummy said it didn’t matter as we could catch it up just around the corner. So we went to a place called Havelock Road and sure enough, about ten minutes later the same bus turned up! Apparently it likes to go round and round the town centre before it actually goes anywhere. Anyway, we waited at the bus stop with LOADS of large fat wobbly smelly people, some with wheels and lots with sticks. 

The bus people must be a bit funny ‘cos the bus shelter only holds about 10 people but because LOADS of buses stop there, there were LOADS of large fat smelly wobbly people waiting all over the place in the cold! 

The bus company must have known this too ‘cos they sent 3 buses all at the same time. Ours was right at the back and we had to walk up the road to get on and our bus had it’s bottom stuck right out into the road. Some of the taxi drivers were so pleased, they were playing tunes on their car horns. 

Anyway, we got on the bus with LOADS of large fat smelly wobbly people, travelled all over Hastings & St Leonards again and after a VERY LONG TIME, got home. 

Then we had salmon salad for lunch. 

The end.

Football

'Why oh why oh why did we ever let football degenerate into the mucky, Ill-mannered, money-grabbing pit of degenerate prima-donnas it is today.

The Beautiful Game?

What's beautiful about players hawking, spitting and blowing snot out of their noses?

What's beautiful about teaching young people that it's 'win at any price'?

What's beautiful about teaching young people that cheating is fine and money buys success?

Sadly, children look up to the top players as heroes and icons, models of what they should aspire to. And what a message they get. Almost without exception, they see money-fixated, overpaid, self-important prima-donnas who behave appallingly both on and off the pitch.

Well here's my 10 point plan for cleaning up the so called 'game' of football...

1.   Maximum earnings for any player, £100k pa. Any more is subject to 100% tax

2. Maximum transfer fee £250k. Any more is subject to 100% tax

3. Ungentlemanly behaviour (see hawking, spitting etc above) warrants a yellow card

4. A yellow card means you are out of the game for the rest of the match and no substitutes allowed

5. A red card means you are barred from professional football for 6 months

6. In the event of a draw, the team that has committed the most fouls, automatically loses

7. Football clubs pay 10 times the current rate to have a police presence at their grounds. Not optional. Police have better things to do than waste their time on this and if they have to be there, they should be paid accordingly 

8. 50% of all income from sales of children's sports wear by clubs, goes to charity

9. TV channels should be forced to give no more airtime to football than they do for cricket, athletics, rugby etc - ie. Not football fixated the way they all are now. After all, if they wanted to show the biggest sport in the country with more participants than any other, it would be fishing!

10. Forget the previous 9. Just ban the bl**dy game altogether. Few would weep for long.

So that's it. When I rule the world, things are going to change. Oh yes!

STOP PRESS! Qatar has announced it is going to spend two hundred billion pounds for the 2022 World Cup. Yup! You read that correctly, two hundred billion pounds. On football. And you think I'm mad?

Surveys

Surveys! 

Why oh why oh why oh why do we now have to submit to a survey any time we buy something, look at a website, walk through the town centre or even just bl**dy inhale? 'Thank you for your recent online purchase of a box of matches. Could you please spare us a few minutes to tell us of your shopping experience? Could you please rate the quality of the matches on a scale of 1 to 10?' NO I CAN'T. Go away!

If, however, you're bored, fill one in but give them zero marks for absolutely everything... Rubbish website, cobblers product, useless online help, zero satisfaction, no I won't recommend you to anyone - see what happens! I'll tell you what happens... zip, zilch, na-da, nowt whatsoever - because nobody ever reads the damn things. 

 And have you tried walking through any town centre recently? 'Could you spare us a few moments to answer a few questions on a survey regarding frog leg soup?' Go away! It's bad enough dodging the dog poo, cyclists riding on the pavements, skateboarders jumping 2 inches in the air before falling off, idiots walking blindly behind umbrellas, drunks and beggars and scaffold lorries parked anywhere they like, without warding off these guys as well. 

 So you go home to do some surfing on the internet, load up your favourite website and 'bang', there's a socking great box asking you to do a survey on the quality of the website because your opinion is important to them. No it isn't! Someone somewhere gets to say '2,000 people clicked on our survey box'. Yes of course they did, they clicked on the 'X' to get rid of it - which may or may not work. Scrolling down doesn't because the bl**dy thing just follows you down the page.

IT MAKES ME SO MAD! When I rule the world, any company that commissions a survey will be forced to give everything in their warehouse to charity. Telephones will have a special button so if someone calls you at 7pm whilst in the middle of your din-dins, to ask how satisfied you are with your broadband, you can press it and send 10,000 volts up the line and frazzle their naughty bits. 

 Things are going to change when I rule the world, oh yes!

Driving Courtesy

Greetings!

I am pleased to announce that in the interests of greater efficiency and courtesy on the road, a raft of new signals and indications to your fellow road users has now come into play. These are as follows...

1. Driving without headlights in wet or murky conditions. This means 'after you' - I am happy to give way to you under any and all circumstances.

2. Driving with fog lights on when there is no fog whatsoever. This means 'after you' - I am happy to give way to you under any and all circumstances.

3. Driving without fog lights on when foggy. This means 'after you' - I am happy to give way to you under any and all circumstances.

4. Driving on only side lights or no lights at all in foggy conditions. This means 'after you' - I am happy to give way to you under any and all circumstances.

5. Not signalling at a roundabout or mini roundabout. This means 'after you' - I am happy to give way to you under any and all circumstances.

So there you have it. The roads will now be a better place.

Buy a van. Better yet, buy a scaffold lorry

So why buy a van? Well the advantages are superb.

Let's start with a basic pickup. This comes with immunity from speeding fines. You can travel anywhere, at any speed, totally immune from prosecution. This must be so as I get overtaken by these, often doing 45 in a 30 zone. OK, it's not a totally practical family vehicle and the kids will get wet in the open space at the back but as a means of getting where you want to go quickly, it does the job.

Moving up one notch - buy a van. These come with the basic speeding immunity as with pickups but with an added major benefit. You can park them almost anywhere. Free! Double yellows? No problem - you're unloading. 90mph down the motorway, no problem. Do what you want, park where you want AND take the family, all 12 of them, to the seaside in the back. What value.

If money is no object though, go for the ultimate. Buy a scaffold lorry. These come with speeding and parking immunity PLUS you can park in the middle of traffic lights, roundabouts - absolutely anywhere. Blocking a main trunk road? No issue whatsoever. It's a scaffold lorry so perfectly legal. Going the wrong way in a one way street? Perfectly legal in one of these.

So there you have it, the best vehicle choices for the hard of thinking. AND for a limited period only, with any of the above you also now get freedom to jump traffic lights. Not just amber gambling but full blown 'go ahead on red'.

Commercial vehicles - the future!