Football

'Why oh why oh why did we ever let football degenerate into the mucky, Ill-mannered, money-grabbing pit of degenerate prima-donnas it is today.

The Beautiful Game?

What's beautiful about players hawking, spitting and blowing snot out of their noses?

What's beautiful about teaching young people that it's 'win at any price'?

What's beautiful about teaching young people that cheating is fine and money buys success?

Sadly, children look up to the top players as heroes and icons, models of what they should aspire to. And what a message they get. Almost without exception, they see money-fixated, overpaid, self-important prima-donnas who behave appallingly both on and off the pitch.

Well here's my 10 point plan for cleaning up the so called 'game' of football...

1.   Maximum earnings for any player, £100k pa. Any more is subject to 100% tax

2. Maximum transfer fee £250k. Any more is subject to 100% tax

3. Ungentlemanly behaviour (see hawking, spitting etc above) warrants a yellow card

4. A yellow card means you are out of the game for the rest of the match and no substitutes allowed

5. A red card means you are barred from professional football for 6 months

6. In the event of a draw, the team that has committed the most fouls, automatically loses

7. Football clubs pay 10 times the current rate to have a police presence at their grounds. Not optional. Police have better things to do than waste their time on this and if they have to be there, they should be paid accordingly 

8. 50% of all income from sales of children's sports wear by clubs, goes to charity

9. TV channels should be forced to give no more airtime to football than they do for cricket, athletics, rugby etc - ie. Not football fixated the way they all are now. After all, if they wanted to show the biggest sport in the country with more participants than any other, it would be fishing!

10. Forget the previous 9. Just ban the bl**dy game altogether. Few would weep for long.

So that's it. When I rule the world, things are going to change. Oh yes!

STOP PRESS! Qatar has announced it is going to spend two hundred billion pounds for the 2022 World Cup. Yup! You read that correctly, two hundred billion pounds. On football. And you think I'm mad?