Now it's some considerable time since my rant regarding people chatting and blocking the aisles in supermarkets. A visit to my local Tescos this week has shown me that I have only addressed one small part of the problem and that when I rule the world (must happen soon), I am going to have to make some sweeping changes, as follows...
Firstly, why is it as Christmas approaches and the supermarkets get busier, the management thinks it a great idea to make all the aisles SMALLER? They do this by drafting in pallet loads of Quality Street, Christmas crap, Coca-Cola, beer, you name it! With amazing attention to detail, these are cunningly positioned to make every single aisle narrower than usual, thus ensuring more traffic jams and even more irate customers than usual.
What's the thinking behind this? It happens every December, months after any sane person has finished their Christmas shopping. Now, stack the aisles full of perishables, like sprouts and that I could understand, though wait a mo, make that spuds as sprouts for Christmas Day, should already have been simmering on a gentle heat since November 25th. When I rule the world, supermarket managers who put extra crap in the aisles will be forced to eat every pallet load personally.
And as if these obstructions are not enough, Tescos has slowly, without people being aware, introduced yet another hazard - staff, shopping for online purchasers. Now these guys & gals have trolleys twice the size of normal people's and know how to use them to best advantage, that is all using the same aisles at the same time and ensuring their trolleys are sideways on for maximum inconvenience to everybody else. And do they get out of the way? Do they hell? 'We're staff! You normal plebs can wait until we're finished!' This Wednesday, there were 6 of these people, all with their massive trolleys, IN ONE AISLE! I tried to count how many there were in the shop and lost count at 20.
Now given that they do have a job to do (debatable in some respects), why don't they get the job done and get out of the way before 6am? Or better still, take what they need from warehouse stock and stay out of the shop altogether? When I rule the world, the supermarkets will have to give you a 5% discount for every one of these people getting in your way. So if there are 20 of them, you get everything for free!
Also, let's introduce a one-way system as per town centre traffic controls. All aisles can only be negotiated one way. Roundabouts & traffic lights at major junctions. Waiting limitations to stop those women ( and it's always women), who stand in front of a display for AGES trying to make up their mind which brand of baked beans to purchase. 20 seconds maximum stop, that's all you need.
It has to be said, that the customers themselves, usually female ones, that are the biggest cause of supermarket migraines so here are my top tips for improving things, to be introduced, naturally, when I rule the world...
1. If your brats are sick and can't go to school, then they can't go to the supermarket either. Do your shopping another day or have them shot (preferably the latter)
2. Use a basket unless you really need a trolley. To control this, minimum spend for a trolley will be £50
3. You don't need an army of friends to go shopping. To control this, 2 people together, minimum spend £100. 3 people together, minimum spend £200. 4, £300 - and so on
4. Maximum stay time in the supermarket is 20 minutes for a basket, 30 minutes for a trolley. You don't need more, ask any man. Actually, this can be enforced by making the car park free for 40 minutes, £5 per 20 minutes thereafter
5. Checkouts. Now sane people (men) use the self-scan-as-you-go facilities but I accept these are not always available so to speed up the checkouts, if you haven't got everything packed into your bags and trolley by the time the sales lady says 'That'll be £xyz please...', you lose everything still on the conveyor belt and those goods are all given to charity. If you don't have your credit card to hand within 5 seconds, then you still have to pay for all your shopping but it ALL goes to charity. And don't blame the brat(s), you shouldn't have brought them
6. And the supermarkets too have something to contribute here. There should NEVER be a queue at a checkout. If you have to queue, your shopping is free!
So that's it methinks, much needed improvements to the shopping experience. When I rule the world, things are going to change. Oh yes!
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