Cyclists

Why oh why oh why are we so damn tolerant of cyclists? Why do they think they have a God given right to use any road or pavement, at any time, at any speed, in any conditions?

There we are, the normal people who have the ability to walk, enjoying a stroll through the park or along the promenade or through the shopping centre, when suddenly, a ‘green’ nerd on two wheels comes by at twenty miles per hour or more, scattering toddlers and senior citizens like nine-pins in all directions. Pavements are for walkers, roads are for wheels. That’s it, not too difficult is it?

Look around any pedestrian precinct and you will see the signs… ‘No Cycling’ but these people either can’t read or think that means no cycling for everyone else but I’m OK, ‘cos I’m green and I’ve left my car at home and I’m on my bike so I’m saving the planet! No you’re not. You are an anti-social, stupid, inconsiderate nerd.

And things don’t get any better if they do use the roads. Hey! Look at me. No pollution here, I’m riding a bike. Well so you are but behind you is a mile-long queue of traffic, crawling along in low gear, wasting gallons of fuel because Mr Green Lycra-shorts thinks he’s entitled to use the road just like anyone else and nobody can get by him.

Well firstly Mr Nerd, because of all the traffic you are holding up you are single-handedly causing more pollution than any dozen motorists. And what makes you think you’re entitled to do that? Do you pay road tax? We motorists do, lots of it. Why should we be held up and spend more on fuel because of it when you are making no contribution whatsoever?

When I rule the world, cyclists will pay £250 per year road tax and anyone riding a bike on a pavement will have their handlebars removed and surgically implanted in a very inconvenient location. Groups of kids doing supposedly impressive jumps and wheelies will be shot on sight and it will also be perfectly legal for lorry drivers to run over those complete morons who ride those ‘flat on your back’ things with the pedals at the front.

When I rule the world, things are going to change! Oh yes!