Umbrellas

Why oh why oh why did anybody ever invent the umbrella? And why oh why oh why is anybody dumb enough to use one?

OK, it rains sometimes. Get used to it. If you’ve always lived in the UK then you should be well used to it. You should also know by now that umbrellas are pointless! It won’t keep you dry, the wind will blow the rain straight into you anyway and even if it doesn’t, the drips off the edges will soak you instead.

Actually, if only the bl**dy things were pointless but no, they’re all designed by sadistic refugees from the Hitler Youth, who secretly get off on the vision of people’s eyeballs being gouged out by the needle sharp edges all around every umbrella.

And they are so anti-social! There we are, normal, sensible people, going about our business, secure in the knowledge that a little bit of rain is probably not going to instil a nasty case of the Black Death but beware – the brolly holders are about. One hint of one drip of rain within half a light year and up they go. Better still, they hold them down real close so that they can’t possibly see where they’re going! Pavements are slippery today. Must be the rain! No it isn’t – it’s people’s gouged out eyeballs! IT SO MAKES ME MAD!

And then they have to walk two or three abreast. The pavements aren’t wide enough for that in dry weather. Do you think they get wider in the wet? Do they swell up somehow? And who says you have right of way ‘cos you’ve got an umbrella. And if it’s blowing a gale, it will blow inside out. Honest! Any sane person knows this.

We can put a man on the moon, conquer smallpox and even sometimes get zips to work but is this our best answer to raindrops? Pathetic!

When I rule the world, people who design, make and sell umbrellas will all be re-allocated to sewer maintenance and have to lick the sewers clean. People who still try to use umbrellas will have them shoved up their rectums, have a caster put on the lower end and be forced to shout ‘I’m a tripod’ as they trundle along.

When I rule the world, things are going to change! Oh yes!