Why oh why oh why do most drivers have absolutely no idea how to use the lights on their car?
There we are, the competent drivers, sticking to the rules, driving safely and in a stress-free manner, keeping to the speed limits, wondering why we bother when every other driver, especially white van and BMW drivers are complete nutters!
I ask you, it shouldn’t tax the mind of a three-year-old. If it’s dark, put your lights on. There, that wasn’t difficult was it? If it’s foggy, put your fog-lights on. See, simple! But no, you’re driving along in thick fog, visibility down to 50 yards and not a fog-light anywhere. Some of these madmen don’t even have sidelights on. What do they think, they’re immortal?
However, next day, the sun beams down and there’s Joe Racer in his Ford Fiesta with the huge spoiler (that comes off every time he hits a speed bump); go-faster stripes down the side; and an exhaust wide enough to double as the funnel for the QE2 and guess what? Yes, he’s got his fog-lights on. Look at me guys! Aren’t I cool. And I’ve got fog-lights. OK, it’s only a bog-standard 1100cc engine under the bonnet but nobody sees that. GET A LIFE!
And if it’s raining and there’s spray and fogged up windows and glaring lights reflecting off wet roads – that’s called ‘diminished visibility’. Look it up in the Highway Code, trust me it’s in there and it says in diminished visibility, ‘PUT YOUR LIGHTS ON’. That means your headlights, not those piddling little 5 watt things.
IT SO MAKES ME MAD! Of course, none of this applies to white van or BMW drivers who all live in a little world of their own and to whom normal rules do not apply. It takes a special type of driver to drive a white van or BMW. One without a brain. Or eyes. Am I exaggerating? No sir! When did anybody last see a white van or BMW being driven well? Never, right? Nor will you.
When I rule the world, if you don’t use your car lights properly, you’ll have your car taken away and crushed for scrap. And white vans & BMW’s will all be scrapped too. And their drivers will all be made to drive Reliant Robins for the rest of their days.
When I rule the world, things are going to change! Oh yes!
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
People who talk in Supermarkets
Why oh why oh why do people have to stand around, blocking the aisles in supermarkets, chatting away to their chums? Haven't they got homes for that?
There we are, the normal people with time-tables to keep, places to be, already stressed by the supermarket experience, wondering why tomato puree, tinned tomatoes and ketchup are all in different aisles and there they stand, usually in the busiest aisles, trolleys at ninety degrees for maximum inconvenience, chatting away and completely oblivious to all the chaos around them.
Now I’m sure that it really is essential for Mrs Brown to know that Mrs White’s dog had a nasty growth on his private bits and she had to take him to the vets. And isn’t that expensive now? Anyway, the nice vet lady gave him some tablets and she’s giving him lots of doggy treats now and dah de dah de dah de dah…
Meanwhile Mr Brown & Mr White have run out of things to say to each other and they’re not allowed to go off on their own so they look embarrassed and try to move to one side to let people get up the aisle, thereby blocking others coming the other way. Mrs White is now moving on to compare the nasty growth on the bl**dy dog with something Mr White had last year and it SO MAKES ME MAD!
Invite the Browns to your home! Talk to them there! Or talk in the car park, anywhere but in the middle of a heaving shop. And why have you got trolleys anyway? You’re only buying 6 items but no, you have to get the biggest trolley, six feet deep and with seating for triplets and space for a surfboard. You only needed a bl**dy basket!
When I rule the world, if you have a trolley you’ll face a minimum charge of £50. And there will be a time limit, let’s say, 20 minutes shopping time max. You don’t need more. Know what you want, know where it is, get it and get out!
And people who stand around chatting, blocking the aisles will be shot, processed as dog food and fed to their own dogs, with or without nasty growths.
When I rule the world, things are going to change! Oh yes!
There we are, the normal people with time-tables to keep, places to be, already stressed by the supermarket experience, wondering why tomato puree, tinned tomatoes and ketchup are all in different aisles and there they stand, usually in the busiest aisles, trolleys at ninety degrees for maximum inconvenience, chatting away and completely oblivious to all the chaos around them.
Now I’m sure that it really is essential for Mrs Brown to know that Mrs White’s dog had a nasty growth on his private bits and she had to take him to the vets. And isn’t that expensive now? Anyway, the nice vet lady gave him some tablets and she’s giving him lots of doggy treats now and dah de dah de dah de dah…
Meanwhile Mr Brown & Mr White have run out of things to say to each other and they’re not allowed to go off on their own so they look embarrassed and try to move to one side to let people get up the aisle, thereby blocking others coming the other way. Mrs White is now moving on to compare the nasty growth on the bl**dy dog with something Mr White had last year and it SO MAKES ME MAD!
Invite the Browns to your home! Talk to them there! Or talk in the car park, anywhere but in the middle of a heaving shop. And why have you got trolleys anyway? You’re only buying 6 items but no, you have to get the biggest trolley, six feet deep and with seating for triplets and space for a surfboard. You only needed a bl**dy basket!
When I rule the world, if you have a trolley you’ll face a minimum charge of £50. And there will be a time limit, let’s say, 20 minutes shopping time max. You don’t need more. Know what you want, know where it is, get it and get out!
And people who stand around chatting, blocking the aisles will be shot, processed as dog food and fed to their own dogs, with or without nasty growths.
When I rule the world, things are going to change! Oh yes!
Umbrellas
Why oh why oh why did anybody ever invent the umbrella? And why oh why oh why is anybody dumb enough to use one?
OK, it rains sometimes. Get used to it. If you’ve always lived in the UK then you should be well used to it. You should also know by now that umbrellas are pointless! It won’t keep you dry, the wind will blow the rain straight into you anyway and even if it doesn’t, the drips off the edges will soak you instead.
Actually, if only the bl**dy things were pointless but no, they’re all designed by sadistic refugees from the Hitler Youth, who secretly get off on the vision of people’s eyeballs being gouged out by the needle sharp edges all around every umbrella.
And they are so anti-social! There we are, normal, sensible people, going about our business, secure in the knowledge that a little bit of rain is probably not going to instil a nasty case of the Black Death but beware – the brolly holders are about. One hint of one drip of rain within half a light year and up they go. Better still, they hold them down real close so that they can’t possibly see where they’re going! Pavements are slippery today. Must be the rain! No it isn’t – it’s people’s gouged out eyeballs! IT SO MAKES ME MAD!
And then they have to walk two or three abreast. The pavements aren’t wide enough for that in dry weather. Do you think they get wider in the wet? Do they swell up somehow? And who says you have right of way ‘cos you’ve got an umbrella. And if it’s blowing a gale, it will blow inside out. Honest! Any sane person knows this.
We can put a man on the moon, conquer smallpox and even sometimes get zips to work but is this our best answer to raindrops? Pathetic!
When I rule the world, people who design, make and sell umbrellas will all be re-allocated to sewer maintenance and have to lick the sewers clean. People who still try to use umbrellas will have them shoved up their rectums, have a caster put on the lower end and be forced to shout ‘I’m a tripod’ as they trundle along.
When I rule the world, things are going to change! Oh yes!
OK, it rains sometimes. Get used to it. If you’ve always lived in the UK then you should be well used to it. You should also know by now that umbrellas are pointless! It won’t keep you dry, the wind will blow the rain straight into you anyway and even if it doesn’t, the drips off the edges will soak you instead.
Actually, if only the bl**dy things were pointless but no, they’re all designed by sadistic refugees from the Hitler Youth, who secretly get off on the vision of people’s eyeballs being gouged out by the needle sharp edges all around every umbrella.
And they are so anti-social! There we are, normal, sensible people, going about our business, secure in the knowledge that a little bit of rain is probably not going to instil a nasty case of the Black Death but beware – the brolly holders are about. One hint of one drip of rain within half a light year and up they go. Better still, they hold them down real close so that they can’t possibly see where they’re going! Pavements are slippery today. Must be the rain! No it isn’t – it’s people’s gouged out eyeballs! IT SO MAKES ME MAD!
And then they have to walk two or three abreast. The pavements aren’t wide enough for that in dry weather. Do you think they get wider in the wet? Do they swell up somehow? And who says you have right of way ‘cos you’ve got an umbrella. And if it’s blowing a gale, it will blow inside out. Honest! Any sane person knows this.
We can put a man on the moon, conquer smallpox and even sometimes get zips to work but is this our best answer to raindrops? Pathetic!
When I rule the world, people who design, make and sell umbrellas will all be re-allocated to sewer maintenance and have to lick the sewers clean. People who still try to use umbrellas will have them shoved up their rectums, have a caster put on the lower end and be forced to shout ‘I’m a tripod’ as they trundle along.
When I rule the world, things are going to change! Oh yes!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)